Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship. Yet how many of us really know how to communicate effectively? Close to zero is the real answer. Why? Because we are never taught how to communicate. There are higher levels of communication that I will touch on in this article. There are also higher levels of being as opposed to acting and reacting to our past.
I was once in a relationship where my partner blamed me for the demise of our relationship. She wanted me to be someone else. The truth is she came from a very traumatizing childhood and her subsequent relationships with men she claimed to be narcissist added to the trauma. I came from a family of supportive parents and had some really good relationships. The point I am making is we came from two different backgrounds and had different experiences. It’s not so much that I had a better life than her, it’s that we are two different people coming from backgrounds that were so dissimilar. We think and act according to who we have become via our experiences. It doesn’t have to be that way, but most people live their lives from that system.
She wanted me to practice her way of dealing with inner demons and I had my own way of working on myself and growing. She said I was in denial because I was not conforming to her style of healing and learning. Do you see how this was a problem? Our approach to life would be different because our choices and decisions were based on our experiences.
A huge part of a healthy relationship is to be aware that your partner is uniquely different than you and their approach to life will, sometimes, be different than yours. This would include how we deal with mistakes, how we deal with people and how we deal with ourselves. Can you allow your partner to be themselves? Most people want to control so they want their partner to conform. That is an insecurity and feeling of unworthiness problem which we will discuss in a future article.
You have no idea what your partner has experienced in life. They may have some fears around things that are triggered by an experience they’ve had. Besides, two people can experience something together and still feel differently about it. If you are confused why your partner is acting in a certain way, then communicate and ask them. One of the prerequisites of communication is to listen and to be kind. To be kind is to not criticize and judge.
In a case like mine it was futile to communicate with her. She didn’t understand that people are different and there isn’t one way to do things. BTW, if anyone ever tells you that their way is the way as opposed to offering you a suggestion, that is a control issue and you should stay away from those people. That is my suggestion 😊
Sometimes the best way to communicate is to not communicate. Sounds like an oxymoron, right? You’ll meet people during the span of your lifetime that will not, cannot communicate with you on a civil level. Should you blame them? No, if you blame them you lose control of your choices you can make to free yourself from them. If you blame them you will energetically be attached to them and then you will lose all awareness on finding a solution. When you are clear you can make good decisions. When you are clouded with emotions, guaranteed you’ll make decisions based on those emotions. Sometimes you’ll have to give up, like I did, and stop communicating because our relationship was getting worse and we were not agreeing on anything. However, no one wants to live in an environment of not communicating, so I left. Believe me, it wasn’t easy, but my body got sick to the point where I could not take it any longer and I was advised by her close friend to “get the hell out of there” Your body is a great indicator of what is going on in your life.
We were never taught how to communicate, how to deal with problems in relationships and how to have a successful and fulfilling relationship. If we don’t know how, then how are people dealing with this problem and what can they do to create a better environment?
Example, If we want to learn a skill, we go to school, we practice, and we learn as much as we can about this skill, right? Having a relationship is a skill, are you reading articles, books and watching videos on how to be successful at relationships? Are you doing this every day? Once a week? Once a month? If your answer is no, then how are you going to get better at this skill? Would you apply that same logic to any other skill? Of course not, right? Why are we so silly? Do we think our relationships will magically transform into a happy fulfilling, communicative relationship without doing the work? Also, since a relationship consist of two people then that means both of you will have to do the work, not just one, makes sense?
Did you know that most of our communication is non-verbal? The thoughts you think and the feelings you have, have a strong influence on people. Do you think you can go into another room and talk about someone and they won’t feel it on some level? There is so much more to be said about this, but I will keep it short and to the point. You can tell your partner anything you want but how you are feeling is what makes the difference. Be authentic with your feelings. To be authentic means is to be authentic with yourself. Everything comes back to you. This is very important for you to know, your subconscious mind, universe, source, or whatever you want to call it, only knows you. What you say to someone has a feeling energy behind it and your subconscious mind says, here’s a feeling you are having and now I’m going to send you everything and anything that is equal or close to that feeling energy. That said, whatever you say or think about another is mirrored back to you and you will experience more of that feeling. That is why it is so important to not criticize or judge. If you do, then you are hurting yourself.
Coming from our past
This is a big subject and I will keep this short too. The old therapy is to go into our past to understand who we are and to heal ourselves. Does this work for the most part? Apparently not because it seems a great many people are getting worse, or at least not better. What I said above on how we make our decisions and choices based on our experiences from the past is true. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Things are changing, and the new therapy suggest differently than the old therapy. There is an easier way and since I have convinced you of doing your homework in learning and growing in your relationships, you can add neuroscience to your repertoire of studies 😊 Basically, our memories of the past if it was unsettling or painful will remain in our bodies as stored energy. Therefore, we make decisions and choices from that source. Since this is true it makes it very difficult for a person to change. You can read books by Joe Dispenza for more info. If you want things to change then you’re going to have to stop doing the same things you have always done. If in the way you communicate isn’t working, then change how you communicate. Do your homework, please.
That’s great, but how?
Here is a suggestion on how you can improve your communication skills.
Practice Metacognition. Learn and practice to be aware of how you are feeling when communicating. Your feelings and in how you feel while communicating will let you know. Here’s an example, how do you feel when you are feeling good? We will label the good feeling with an A. How do you feel when you are feeling neutral? The neutral feeling is labeled B. How do you feel when you are feeling upset, angry or sad? And this feeling is labeled C. Different feelings, right? Next time you are communicating with your partner be aware of how you are feeling. Are you feeling an A type feeling, how about a B feeling, or a C feeling? The A and C feeling is where you want to be. If you are feeling a C feeling, that’s ok, just be aware and stop talking. Start over if you have to, but catch yourself early before the momentum takes hold. The key here it to catch yourself early. Don’t worry if you didn’t catch yourself in time before you traversed into the C feeling. The point here isn’t to avoid any feelings, after all, we are human. The point is to catch yourself early and then you can change how you feel, what you say and how you act and then the situation and outcome will change. Practice being aware of how you are feeling during your communication with your partner Soon this will become a habit and your communication with your partner will improve greatly. To reiterate, a relationship consists of two people, so you’ll both have to practice this 😊
After reading this article, how would you approach communication differently? Write to me with your story and how this has improved your relationships.
Everything that is written here is for informational purposes only. I like what Bruce Lee said, “Absorb what is useful, discard what is not and add uniquely your own” Take all what I have written as a suggestion. Absorb what feels good to you, discard what doesn’t and add your unique way of doing things. Remember, there’s not one book or person that has the answer for everyone, or we would all be the same and that would be boring 😊
Thanks for reading,