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Sex With Your Ex- Right or Wrong?

Did you know one out of every three divorced couples will engage in sex with their Ex? It is more common than you think. The divorce rate is currently at an all time high, and divorced people are seeking sexual pleasure through alternative lifestyles or alternative means. Frequent sexual encounters with lovers from previous relationships have become a normal lifestyle for some.

There are more middle-aged single adults than ever before, and most of these divorced adults are having a difficult time finding a partner. Sex is very significant to them and plays a huge part in their lives. The challenges in finding a suitable partner are frustrating. They have sexual urges that want to be expressed, hence one of the reasons for turning to their Ex for sex.  


Is Having Sex with Your Ex Right or Wrong?

Since we’re all individuals, and we have our own ideas of what is right or wrong, then it would stand to reason that it depends on ‘You’ and how  you feel about it. If you feel uncomfortable, or you think it’s wrong, then don’t do it. Don’t go against your feelings. However, your feelings of right or wrong should not be determined by what others say or feel. This is about you and how you feel.

Everyone has a right to their opinions, and that’s just what it is – their opinions – not yours. You can listen to advice and take what works for you, and discard what does not work for you. Each person and their experiences are unique. Other people’s experiences and what they see as right or wrong is going to be different than yours.  

If you choose to engage in a sexual relationship with your Ex, then I would suggest not mentioning it to anyone. It is not their business, it is your business. Besides, if you ask someone else for their opinion on this matter, that means you are feeling ambivalent. You need to be sure this is what you want for your own reasons. Think it out carefully and then discuss it with your Ex.

Keep in mind when dealing with another human being, there isn’t one written rule of right or wrong that would apply to all situations. You will have to be creative and design a working relationship that is unique for both of you.   

Why Do People Have Sex with Their Ex?

There are a multitude of reasons why. As I mentioned above, you have to find your own reasons why. Comfort, trust, and pleasure seem to be at the top of the list of reasons to have sex with the Ex.

 Most of the people I’ve spoken to that are sexually involved with their Ex’s unequivocally mention the element of trust and expectation. They feel safe, and for the most part, it’s something they can depend on. As long you feel good doing it, and you’ve decided this is what you want, then what more is there to say?

However, if you are still emotionally attached to him or her, and secretly hoping you can win them back with good sex, think again. It won’t work. Trickery and deceitfulness are the opposite of honesty, and well, I think you know how this will end?   

Our sexual urges are very strong in all age groups. It is difficult to control a feeling that is a natural  part of us. So why fight it? We can however work with these feelings and express ourselves safely, it is possible.

Set rules and boundaries first, always with no exceptions.

The Rules and Boundaries

It is very important to set rules and boundaries first because you have to know where you stand. This will also give you confidence in what you are doing. You’ll feel assured that what you are doing is the right thing to do. Never, and I mean never attempt this kind of relationship without setting rules and boundaries first. If you don’t do this it will end in disaster…….guaranteed! If you do it right, it can be fun for a short time.

First, think about what you want, write it down. For example, you may want to have sex twice a week, or maybe when you feel the urge? This is something you’ll have to work out with your Ex. Next, write down your preferences as in what you prefer to do in your sexual activities. Also, some couples would rather start slow and ease their way into a sexual frenzy. Maybe starting with an erotic massage, then leading into sensual foreplay. Some women I’ve talked to would appreciate dinner first, something romantic. Although they were not interested in pursuing a committed relationship with their Ex, they wanted to feel that feeling of appreciation. They wanted to feel special, there’s got to be some kind of meaning to this, I can totally understand that.

Remember, as in any relationship, committed or not, there are compromises. Maybe you would have to treat her once or twice, is it such a big price to pay? It is important that you know the deference between compromising, and compromising yourself. Compromising yourself is going against your feelings, beliefs, morals, and value system. Don’t do that, that is what makes you unique and special, don’t give that part of you up to someone else so they can be happy. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel comfortable to you. I’m talking about feelings here, and what people expect of you.

Write down everything you can think of, and later you can filter out what isn’t important. This is like an experiment, you’ll have to try and see what works for both of you. Communication is huge, check in with each other and make sure feelings are not being compromise and you are conscientious of each other. Communicate also if things are going good, maybe you would want to bump it up a notch to make things more exciting. The imagination is an amazing resource, use it wisely and you can have fun doing it.

Can Sex with Your Ex prevent you from having a Relationship?

In some instances having a sexual relationship with your Ex can stop you from having a regular committed relationship. As I mentioned earlier the benefits of having sex with your Ex are: safety, comfort, and convenience. However, this may have a downside to it. You may get too comfortable and decide not to pursue a relationship because this situation is sexually fulfilling and easy. Easy, meaning you don’t have to spend the time and energy looking for a partner. If you want a partner, you’ll have to put in the time and effort to have one. That means you’ll need to be mentally, emotionally, and physically available. That isn’t easy to do if you’re having sex with you Ex. 

Sex is only a part of a relationship, you may develop anxiety and frustration because the rest of the relationship is missing. Just make sure you know going into this situation that it is temporary. Unless of course you both plan on being single for the rest of your lives.

Decide if this is what you really want. You can always change your mind later, although I do believe the frustration will encourage you to make a decision.


Know what you want, and why you want it. This, of course, applies to everything in life. Sometimes we have to test the waters, so to speak, in order to find out. In some cases, we know what we want by knowing what we don’t want.  

I believe relationships require some type of structure or agreement. Make up your own rules. Anything is possible as long as you respect each other, come to an agreement, and communicate your feelings. I have seen these relationships work successfully for a short time, while others fail miserably.

This type of relationship, for the most part, is short lived. Most people eventually want a secure, long lasting, and committed relationship.  

My advice is to be careful and not make this into a co-dependent relationship. Be vigilant with your feelings and emotions. Maybe this type of relationship should come with a caution sign. Be flexible and know there will be changes. Eventually, you may want a real relationship, and sex with your Ex will have to stop. Actually, you should stop way before you decide to have a relationship. This way you will be prepared emotionally.  

The only way to prepare emotionally is to practice good emotional habits. Going with what really feels right will eventually become a habit, and you will make the right choices. Eventually, you won’t have to think about it. Out of habit, your subconscious mind will lead you.

Keep in mind you should always be building something into something better. We can view life as a ladder, always climbing to the next rung, taking pauses periodically to regain balance. We don’t want anything, anyone, or any situation to hamper our growth.

Part of the building process is inevitably making mistakes. Just make sure the degree of the mistake is minimal. You can minimize the degree by not repeating the same mistake or pattern. Be aware of how you feel, so you can catch it early, and potentially avoid what would seem like an obvious mistake.

My Personal Perspective

In my opinion, I would not want to engage in this activity. I’m not saying it is wrong, or that I disagree with this situation. I’m saying I choose not to participate, because I feel it isn’t what I want. It works for some, while not for others. For me, I feel that I need to be romantically and emotionally involved with a woman in order to have sex with her. It’s not really by choice per se, it’s a natural feeling that I have. I’m acting on my feelings, and this decision feels right for me.   

Thank you,

Is sex with your Ex right or wrong?

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11 Responses to Sex With Your Ex- Right or Wrong?

  1. HooverJenny September 16, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    Make your life time more easy to enjoy. Tony, I agree with your philosophy, you have a unique way of looking at relationships.

  2. Jenny November 13, 2011 at 2:20 pm #

    Thank you for the good write up.

  3. bo dietl May 1, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Long time lurker, first time poster. Great post, everyone on here seems to be in agreement with what you wrote.

  4. phoenix May 7, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    Thanks for that awesome posting. It helped :-)

  5. Belinda May 10, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    well i think this topic is very interesting, but it’s also complexing to discuss about it. Thanks so much for your writings.

  6. Linda May 11, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    I love your writing about relationships and personal development.I need a specialist on this area to unravel my relationship problems. Looking forward to reading more post.

    Linda K

  7. Derci May 16, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    This was a really quality post. i wasn’t aware of the many ripples and depth to this story until i surfed here through google! Can you write an article about dating while being separated?

    Thanks, Derci

  8. Alice May 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm #


  9. Arenice May 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm #

    Wow! Great tips!

  10. mina August 4, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    i love u

  11. Khadeer October 15, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    This very bad connection to sex

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