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Marriage, Separation and then Divorce-Don’t Make This Mistake

Are you in a relationship that is on the verge of breaking up?  Alternatively, are you involved in a relationship where you feel challenged? This article is about becoming aware of one important aspect that goes on during a relationship that may be the cause of your frustrations, separations and divorce. And it can help you prevent from repeating the same mistake in future relationships. Read this article, it can change your life.

I just finished reading this story about a couple that has recently gone through a divorce.  They are well known in the personal development field. They speak, write and give advice on relationships. Here is a couple that seemed happy in their relationship, and successful in their field, and yet they were having relationship issues. How can a couple like this advise others on a subject that they were having challenges with?

I have read many stories about people that have had challenges in areas of their expertise.  Like Jim Rohn said, “This stuff is hard work; listen to what I say, but don’t watch me to close.”

I write about this stuff too, and I continue to have challenges and make mistakes in my life. However, my challenges and mistakes are fewer than before because of my new understanding and awareness. I still have challenges in my relationships dealing with friends and family, but it’s less challenging now. I am not trying to eliminate my challenges I am working and converting them into something productive (sometimes).

The people that write about subjects of their expertise are sometimes expected to follow their own advice and not make any mistakes in these areas. My thought is, “it’s ok to make mistakes, but just don’t repeat them” this applies to everyone and in everything you do. If you have fallen into a habit of repeating your mistakes, and since you’re reading this article, I believe you have decided to do something about it.

So back to this couple, in reading their story it seemed that they harbored feelings of resentment. They went on to talk about how their lives improved after the divorce. Both  expressed feelings of being stifled and rejected while in their relationship. They mentioned compromising too much of themselves. They said in retrospect their differences were obvious, and they ignored the frustration it was causing them. Their differences included; religious beliefs, traveling preferences, child rearing and so on. Do you think their differences were the cause of their divorce?

In situations like this I think the problem isn’t in the differences; the problem is that we see differences in each other, and we don’t accept the other person for their differences.  This puts a huge strain on the relationship. This couple was trying to conform to each other’s wishes not realizing they were giving up a part of themselves in the process.

So let’s start now understanding the dynamics that goes on in this particular situation, and what the possible causes are for the separation. When I speak of separation, I am talking about two people separating on a “feeling” level first. The physical separation is a result of the loss or connection two people once had.

COMPROMISE is the key word here; you can compromise, but don’t compromise yourself. There are different degrees of compromising; you would have to decide what is appropriate for yourself and how much you are willing to compromise to make the relationship work. The person wanting you to compromise should not want you to go beyond your moral, belief and comfort zones, and not expect you to be someone you’re not. That would violate your identity and who you are as a person. Your value and belief system is what makes you special and unique. You need to retain the essence of who you are wherever you go and in all relationships.

Here’s one example of compromising: my ex-wife is currently unemployed and can’t afford to pay for anything concerning my daughters. My daughters live with me full time, and I pay for their clothing, food, piano lessons, etc. My Ex, on the other hand, spends quality time with my girls and drives them where they need to go. I would consider this a compromise. Why? Because I feel satisfied with this arrangement, it’s working for now.

Here’s an example of compromising yourself: let’s say my Ex was abusive to my daughters. She refused to work, and demanded alimony. I did nothing in my defense because I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation, I wanted to, but I was afraid. That would be considered compromising myself and my daughters.

In conclusion, sometimes you just can’t make it work, and instead of beating a dead horse and being a bad example to others, then maybe separating is the best recourse. If you are stubborn and you have a controlling personality, and you’re not willing to change, then good luck. However, if you’re going to try to make this relationship work then remember to communicate your feelings.

Try to catch the problem early, and then decide if you’re both willing to work with your differences. If it’s something small and you are willing to change then remember to maintain your true self, and then go for it, but only if you want to.  The decision has to be yours, and you need to be firm on it.

There’s a chemistry or connection between two people that is unique in a relationship. That includes all relationships, lovers, friends, family and business. We are all unique and we have unique relationships, and that’s what makes life so exciting and special. We see the deference’s and contrast in people and things.  How would it be if every house was panted the same color, you wore the same clothes everyday and “everybody acted the same?”

Good luck!

 

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6 Responses to Marriage, Separation and then Divorce-Don’t Make This Mistake

  1. Martha July 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    Hi Tony – I’m enjoying your blog, and I think this point is too important to lose.

    Keep up the good work!

  2. Anonymous September 7, 2011 at 4:10 am #

    Tony you actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I’m looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!

  3. Clara May 27, 2012 at 10:26 am #

    It would have been better if i had found your website before, because i’m going through a divorce, need help.

    Clara

  4. Corina May 30, 2012 at 7:06 pm #

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I enjoyed this article very much.

    Corina

  5. Kyle September 22, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Excellent website. A lot of helpful information here.
    I’m sending it to several buddies and also sharing in delicious. And certainly, thanks for your effort!

  6. Simm September 30, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

    Thanks for an awesome post!

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