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Jealousy – How to get past it

Jealously is an emotion that doesn’t go away. We all feel it to a certain degree, but when does it become a problem? How can we control it before it ruins our relationships?

Too many relationships are ruined by this misunderstood emotion. This is your lucky day because I hope to clear things up for you about this destructive emotion before we conclude this article.

First and foremost we have to STOP blaming! Really, blame is the spark that will ignite a plethora of unimaginable problems. However, I can understand that it can sometimes be impossible or challenging to not blame.

Basically, jealousy is considered an act followed by your insecurities and instincts. I believe that to some extent, but I also believe there are different kinds, and degrees of jealousy. If your partner is flirting with another person for example, I understand the jealousy and anger that you may feel.

If you and your partner are satisfied with your relationship then there shouldn’t be a need to intentionally (being mischievous) flirt with another person. There would be no reason to. “Satisfied” is the key word here, satisfied with yourself is very important too. Being happy or unhappy with yourself is a subject for another article. However, if you are dissatisfied with yourself in a substantial way in any area of your life, you’ll cause problems for everyone, including yourself. That unsatisfied feeling can lead to mischievous flirting.

Incidentally, there are different types of flirting. When I go partner dancing I like to be very playful and creative in the way I move. Women like it when I make the dance fun and exciting, and I like it when I see that my partner is having a good time. That can be considered a type of flirting. However, I don’t have any intention of seducing anyone with my dance moves. 99 percent of the time after the dance is over I thank her and walk away, unless of course I’ve danced with a friend. 

Flirting can be healthy in the way I described above. Sometimes people will misunderstand that type of flirting as a sign of, “I like you” or maybe your partner will see it differently too. You can’t control how someone will perceive your actions. As long as you don’t intentionally “play games” you’re okay. That type of flirting is healthy because it is a form of expression. 

Jealousy and flirting are closely associated because people get jealous when their partners flirt, or when someone is flirting with their partner.

A Misunderstanding 

I witnessed an incident the other day where someone I knew was fighting with his girlfriend. She was very angry to see him talking with another woman, and she decided to leave. As I observed further I noticed the other woman he was speaking to was overly flirtatious. He, on the other hand was not flirting, however, he didn’t notice that this women was a potential problem for his relationship. I understand his position because I acted the same way years ago. My wife would get angry at me for not noticing another women flirting with me. I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I was always loyal to my wife; however, I was ignorant to her feelings and my surroundings.

That’s not an excuse; I was unconscious of an alternative to how I could have improved so I acted in the only way I knew. The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes what seems obvious to one person is not always the case. That’s why communication is crucial in relationships. 

When couples are unaware and unknowing of their actions and reactions, arguments are imminent. I believe it is imperative that we all spend time each day learning about ourselves, and our relationships with other people. This blog and other similar blogs are good resources to learn, and acquire the knowledge to improve. 

In a healthy relationship we play roles as teacher and student. Sometimes your partner will lead the way, and other times you will. We have developed certain stereotypical roles in our relationships from our culture. It used to be that men would make the important decisions, and decide what is right or wrong for the relationship. Fortunately that old thinking and programming is changing. Women are now more in control, and have a say in the decision making.

Now the responsibility lies on both individuals, the way it should be in my opinion. However, someone needs to initiate the conversation, and usually it’s the person that is feeling hurt and uncomfortable. In a situation of jealousy, both partners are responsible for resolving the problem. When there’s blame, there is no resolution.

I urge you before you blame your partner, converse with them first, express your feelings and concerns, and then listen to what they have to say.

As a side note: relationships need to be maintained always. It doesn’t have to be a chore as long as you’re both willing to be consistent and knowledgeable. You gain knowledge by researching, reading articles like this, and becoming more aware of the other persons feelings. Maintaining means: check in with your partner, communicate when things are uncomfortable, and express gratitude when things are going well. Yes, it is very important to let your partner know how special they are to you. 

For the Women 

I do want to mention to women that there are situations where your boyfriend or husband may be unaware of other women flirting with them, and how detrimental this situation can be to a relationship. Back to what I said above about me being unaware is true. I was not being dumb on purpose, and if I knew then what I know now I would have acted in a different manner.

Of course there are always the ones that ruin it for the rest of us, they are the ones that play games. So how will you know the difference? Who are the ones that are unaware, and which ones are the game players?  What is important is if your partner refuses to change, and continues to repeat this pattern of misbehaving, they are not willing to make things better. Also, if your partner is just being oblivious to what’s going on, you can enlighten them, and give them a chance to change. If they continue to be oblivious (dumb) then they are not willing to work on the relationship.

I’m not big on changing people; however, we do need to compromise in order to maintain a loving relationship. Compromise doesn’t mean to compromise yourself, meaning: your value and moral system.

 

For the Men

For the men that are reading this, women for the most part are more sensitive to their feelings, and they respond to certain emotions differently than we do. It is not by any means wrong or right, it just is. Men and women for the most part speak a different emotional language. If she expresses herself differently than you, that doesn’t make her wrong.

That’s why communication is so important; ask why, instead of guessing or labeling. Non-communication is the number one reason for breakups and divorces. However, how can you possibly communicate when you don’t know how to? Keep reading my articles and eventually you’ll learn, I guarantee it.

 

 

Jealously among Friends

Jealousy among friends is similar to jealousy with your partner. Although, you may be secretly jealous about a friend and never mention it, so there’s no verbal communication. The difference is: you may be jealous about a friend because you want to have what they have, opposed to being jealous when your partner is giving attention to someone else. The parallel is: you are feeling uncomfortable and unhappy with either or both situations. Know that your friend may possess something you don’t have; however, you have something that someone else wants. So it really is moot, who cares. You are who you are, and that’s good enough. Besides this type of jealousy attributes zero to your personal growth.

 

 

 

Who Cares

I’ve known some couples that just don’t care, or it doesn’t bother them that their wife or husband seduces another person. I don’t really understand that logic (or non-logic) and I don’t have an opinion on it. There are couples that “Swing,” and I know a few of them. They actually enjoy seeing their partner with another person. Again, I don’t understand it but it seems to work for them. Maybe they have evolved past jealousy, who knows.

There are also those that are so disconnected from themselves that they really don’t care what their spouse is doing. This is an extreme situation and very little hope in the horizon for them.

Couples live in all different types of situations. You can’t say which is right or wrong. What’s right for you may be wrong for someone else, or vice versa. Just pay attention to what feels right for you and leave everyone else alone. 

Conclusion 

You should never ever-ever-ever make someone jealous on purpose. That’s just WRONG! It may seem to work for a short time, but believe me, it will always-always-always end in disaster. Besides, making someone jealous on purpose is childish! I see middle-aged people doing it all the time, I guess they never learned. 

Jealously is a natural emotion, we have moments of jealously during the day. It may be very subtle, but it’s there, and most of the time harmless. However, when jealousy is evident and noticeable it can be very harmful. It can be harmful to your relationship, and harmful to your health, especially if you store that negative energy within. It will eventually come out in sickness or otherwise.

I stress communication, communicating in how you feel. I never understood until now why I didn’t communicate my feelings in the past. I was raised that way by my father to not express that person inside me that was eager to show emotions. Don’t get me wrong, my father was a good father; however, he was just passing on the legacy of dysfunctional conditioning from past generations. 

This goes back to blame, I was not at fault, I was unaware of a different way of acting. Again, this is not an excuse, I want you to know next time you blame, you can know that if your partner knew more, they would do more, and act differently. Be open minded, be willing to try to make things better, communicate your feelings, and know we are all constantly fighting our conditioning and inner demons.

One more thing, guys and girls, when you’re out with you partner stay focused on them! Don’t let your eyes wonder and stare at someone else. Don’t gawk, and froth from the mouth. Your partner should be your main focus, and be aware of their feelings. With practice, eventually it will become second nature and you won’t have to be consciously aware of what to do. Your partner is part of your team, they are not the opponent. Treat them with respect. Give them a chance to change, but not too many chances.

Take the Poll

What do you think is the right course of action to take when a person you know (or don’t know) is flirting with you, and you are in a relationship? I will have a poll on this, and let’s see what the most popular answer will be. Also, leave any comments on the new forum regarding this post topic “JEALOUSY”

Thanks for reading

 

What do you think is the right course of action to take when a person you know (or don’t know) is flirting with you, and you are in a relationship?

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