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Friends with Benefits

img-lovers_wallpaper_1920x1080What is the definition of FWB? It is simply that, having a friend in which you can have fun and express yourself sexually with. The limits are endless and the rules are set, at least they should be. We will discuss the rules which are one of the most important factors in this type of relationship.

I’ve read countless articles on this subject and honestly most of the articles are meaningless and miss the important aspects to this type of relationship. Yes, that’s right, this is a relationship. There are different types of relationships and FWB is one of them. 


What is a relationship? A relationship is a connection, association or involvement with another person. If you are friends with someone, that is a type of relationship. Relationships can be sexual or nonsexual, they can be intimate or not.

My definition of a relationship is: collaborating with another person, getting along with them through communication and trying to be as discerning as possible. Of course there are a multitude of emotions and conditionings that come into play in any relationship. Your upbringing is on top of the list of how successful your relationships will be. 

Basically, if you are having challenges in relationships with other people, don’t expect to have a successful relationship with FWB. You can’t leave people wounded and expect to miraculously have a successful relationship the next time around. 

Yes, I know you want affection, we all do, however, there will be a huge price to pay if you have a history of unsuccessful relationships. I’m talking about successful relationships with friends, family and especially yourself. If you call yourself stupid and/or think of yourself as unworthy, then you better work on you first.

Okay, so we have established that in order for a FWB relationship to work successfully we need to already have had successful relationships. How many people do you know have a happy, fulfilling relationship? Probably none, right? Sad but true, we were never taught how to have a successful relationship, certainly not by our parents, the most influential people in our lives.

That said how can we make a FWB relationship work? First of all FWB relationship are temporary, they were never meant to be long term. They serve primarily one purpose and that is to satisfy our sexual needs. We all need affection right? So let’s do the best we can with what and who we are. If you are having challenging relationships then not all is lost. Maybe your relationships will improve after reading this article. 

Can you be friends with this person outside of your FWB relationship? 

Absolutely, I mean it is possible, I’ve seen it done. Can you fall in love with your FWB partner? Absolutely, I’ve seen it happen. Can a FWB relationship enhance your life? Sometimes it can. Can a FWB relationship ruin your life? Well, maybe not ruin it, but it can certainly leave you wounded. 

Now that you know that a FWB relationship can go either way, do you still want to have one? I mean we all take risk, right? That’s one way of learning. I don’t have an opinion on whether FWB is right or wrong. That is going to be your decision to make. I can however help enlighten you on how and if you decide to do this.

To reiterate, FWB is meant to be temporary. It may seem obvious that it is temporary but there is a chance, a big chance that you will get attached. The reason for this is because being that close to someone will bring out deep emotions within you, sometimes jealously. 

There are several ways for this to work successfully; one is for two people to just want intimacy without deep emotional feelings. Your feelings would have to be surface and unemotional with the stick attention of fulfilling a selfish need. These people are uncommon and they usually do not have stable, consistent long term relationships. 

Another way for this to happen is for two people to set rules, boundaries and agree that this is temporary. If you don’t agree with this from the beginning you are guaranteed trouble and someone will get hurt. The rules are set by both of you and are very unique to your situation. Never and I repeat, never incorporate someone else’s rules and apply them to your situation. Those rules may apply to someone else and not apply to you. You can in fact customize their rules to fit within your situation.

What are the rules?

Ah! Now we are getting to the meat of things. I’ll give you some basic rules and boundaries and you can alter them to fit your situation.
First you have to have a person in mind. Make sure you and this person are somewhat emotionally sound. If either one of you are going through a divorce or separation, married or have psychological issues, god help you. 

Decide how much you want to do and how far you’re willing to go. You can start with a lot of foreplay and progress from there. Just know once you start kissing you take it to another level, sex is yet the ultimate level, so be very careful with that. This is a highly emotional activity and people get hurt if you are not careful.

Fondling can mean different things to different people, the same with hugging and caressing, there are different levels of this. How far you want to go with this is determined by both and sometimes you’ll have to regulate this as you go. 

If possible set rules and boundaries on how far to you should go. This will be your biggest challenge because when you’re in the midst of things it is hard to stop. Be mindful, conscientious and listen to you partner. Most of the boundaries will be set by the female, so guys pay attention.
Someone or both of you need to monitor your physical interactions. Feel and listen to body language, this is highly important. If you are not one to listen to your partner’s feelings then you may have a difficult time with this. 

I can list a hundred boundaries and rules but feelings take precedence over all. If you learn to listen to body language and feelings you’ll have no problems at all, or at the very least you’ll minimize your problems. 

Boundaries and rules are just a launching pad to start with if you listen. When you listen your feeling will determine how far to go. The rules can apply when you decide that sex is not an option. Your feelings may differ in the heat of the moment. This my friends is where you have to be strong and not go there. 

Never decide to have sex or break any or the rules and boundaries in the middle of intimacy after you decided not to. You can always decide afterwards when both your minds are clear and free of emotional stimulation.

Can you become buddies with your FWB partner?

Yes and no, remember, anything is possible. It all depends on your communication skills and your ability to be flexible and understanding. FWB doesn’t have any set rules other than the ones you give it. Just because one couple can’t do it doesn’t mean you can’t. Also, being friends outside of your intimate times together can be a challenge, so it could go either way.

Don’t boost or talk about your FWB affair

Keep this affair a secret; the reason being is if you start announcing your interactions with other people they will have their opinion. It’s nobody’s business but yours. You’ll start to get confused and maybe question what you are doing based on what someone else said or thinks. Learn to listen to your own feelings otherwise you’re going to live your life according to what other people think what’s best for you. 

As a side note, if for whatever reason you decide to listen to another person’s opinion ask yourself this, do I want to live my life as they do? I mean if you’re going to take another person’s advice, how happy and fulfilled are they? Their advice will be based on how they feel about themselves and their belief system, is this what you want?

Talking about your FWB affair with anyone can be the worst mistake you’ll make, don’t do it! But do it if you like pain, drama and suffering.

Summary

There are too many rules to talk about and list here, according to the experts at least. I don’t believe we need to discuss every last detail otherwise it gets too messy and confusing. There are no set rules other than the ones you give it. This is about you and your friend, how are you feeling about this? If you feel uncomfortable tell your partner and adjust the rules. If things are going well tell your partner and keep doing what you are doing. That is really all there is to it.

You’ll have to learn to trust your feelings and communicate with yourself and your partner. This is by far the most important thing you need to do. It is hard to trust our feelings because we have been conditioned to trust in what other people say, especially in organized religion. 

Note: For those that are not going to heed to the rules, or not even have rules at all, you’re taking a big risk of someone getting hurt. If you don’t care, remember what goes around comes around. What comes back around can come to you in a variety of different ways in your life. There is no escaping wounding someone and not caring and not paying for it.

Thanks for reading

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