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Communication in Relationships-How to Communicate Better

What does communication really mean?  The dictionary defines it as: A successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.  Most problems in relationships happen because of miscommunication or from non-communication.  We tend to ignore the problems that arise in relationships because of the inability to communicate.  If you learn how to communicate properly you would avoid 99% of your relationship issues.

When you learn how to communicate, life becomes easier for both you and your partner.  You’ll also be able to communicate with friends and family much easier because you will learn communication skills on all levels.  Notice that the dictionary mentioned “sharing of ideas and feelings”, feelings plays a huge part in communication.  We need to learn how to listen to our feelings because that is the foundation to our communications with others. Not listening to your feelings, lack of knowledge, and your insecurities are the main reason why you have challenges in your communications.

Some people lash out violently because they are frustrated in not being able to communicate properly. It’s frustrating when you want to get your word across, and they don’t seem to understand you. It’s also frustrating when you think you’re stuck. You’ve run out of ideas, and you feel you’re backed into a corner. What an awful feeling, I know because I have been there many times myself. By reading this article you will find there is an alternate way to conventional communications, and you will soon realize that you can minimize or eliminate some of these challenges completely.

Trying to convince people against their will, and trying to give people answers to questions they never asked, is futile, and an energy drainer. When you understand the concept of communication you won’t be so inclined to act in this way. A teacher is only as affective as his ability to understand where his student is.  A communicator is only as effective as her ability to understand where that person is whom she’s trying to communicate with.

You may ask yourself: are they open to listening?   Will they understand what I’m trying to convey? You have to know the answer to these questions before you enter  a communication with your partner.

You also have to be aligned in your thinking. If your thoughts aren’t aligned with something you’re trying to accomplish, you are canceling yourself out e.g. I want to be wealthy, but I don’t think it’s possible. These are two opposing thoughts that are not aligned with each other. Wanting to be wealthy and taking the steps to accomplish that goal is alignment with thought and action. Wanting to be wealthy and not believing it is possible is a misalignment in thought and leads to zero action, or circular action.

If you and your partner are entering into the communication with preconceived ideas of who’s right and who’s wrong, then what’s the point?  It’s a waste of time and energy beyond that. It would be better to align yourself first with a thought and a vision of compromise and resolution. The thought is of coming to a resolution, and the action will be communicating with that thought in mind. Of course for this to work, it will have to be a mutual effort. That may sound impossible, and as I see it, there are several ways to approach this:

♥ Go about it on your own and be an example to you partner, and hopefully they will come around.
♥ Work together in a combined effort (best way.)
Live with the pain and frustration of not communicating effectively.
Know when it’s not working, and make a decision whether you want to stay in the relationship.

People break up for different reasons, sometimes it’s because they’re both growing in different directions, it just happens, and I will explain in a future article the details why that is.

Conventional thinking emphasizes attention on the other person and how you need to do something to please them, or how they are doing something that isn’t pleasing you. You need to be selfish and think about yourself first. Here’s a quote by Jim Rohn “I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me” This is one of my favorite quotes by JR. What this means is: I will work on myself first, and when I do, you will benefit from it. Now this is being selfish in a productive and healthy way.

We live in a society where we need to please or put others before ourselves, or we need to follow a certain belief or religion so we can be accepted.  Besides, if you do something that you don’t like or want to do because of a belief, then it’s of little or no benefit to you.

It’s not really what the other person is or isn’t doing, or doing to you, because you do have a choice of refusing to participate. It’s about how you feel about yourself. As I have said in my other articles, work on yourself first and your situation will change.

The experts put too much focus on what you’re doing wrong, and what’s broken (and then you wonder why you feel so guilty). You’re not broken and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing the best you can with what you have and what you know. So let’s learn together so we can make better choices.

If you don’t feel good about yourself then whatever you do won’t feel good either.  You will just be a target, or a victim for someone to blame things on.  The communication starts with you first listening to your feelings.  Your feelings will tell you what feels right and what feels wrong, you need to learn the language of listening to your feelings.

There’s something that I call “first feelings”, the first feelings are the feelings that tell you what is going on before the logical mind steps in.  After the first feelings the logical mind steps in and tries to talk you into a different feeling. It tries to rationalize or agree with what somebody else said or believes. We don’t want to be the odd one, and we want to be accepted, so sometimes we sacrifice ourselves to maintain credence with that person or a group of people.

The first feeling only last for a second or two, and if we continue to ignore it, over time it will not be noticeable, as if it wasn’t even there. Because of our insecurities and our belief system, we are eliminating a feeling that is important to our survival.

We can learn to listen to it, and take advantage of what it’s telling us. Next time you have an uncomfortable feeling pay attention immediately to how you feel. Put everything aside, don’t try to analyze it, find out what it’s telling you? A bad feeling would be considered a negative emotion, and a negative emotion is not in alignment with what you want, that’s why it feels bad. A good feeling is a positive emotion, and it is aligned with what you want, that’s why it feels good. It sounds simple really, but because of our programming we can’t see the simplicity of it.

If both partners were to listen to their feelings they would know how to communicate efficiently.  The communication would be more on a feeling level than a verbal level. They would know that something isn’t right, and they will communicate that feeling to each other.  They will then know what to do almost simultaneously and without question.

We can’t expect this to happen overnight; however with this new knowledge we can begin in taking the first step. You can begin by listening to the first feeling.  Practice incrementally and each time you feel something isn’t right, stop and ask yourself what is going on here.  What do I need to do to change how I feel?  Know that there’s always a solution, we just have to find it. Eventually things will start to change around you and your communication skills will improve. When we learn this skill we will stop or minimize blame, resentment and judgment.

Practice with your partner this new knowledge that you have acquired, and together you will improve.  You can observe each other as the situations comes up, catch it early and communicate with your partner before it escalates into something bigger.  This is a team effort, do it together, and work it out together.

Good luck, and if you have any questions, please message me.

Thank you for reading.



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One Response to Communication in Relationships-How to Communicate Better

  1. Alexandra May 30, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    Some great ideas here…thx!

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