I’m going to take a different twist on this subject, and instead of questioning why partners are annoying, how about: why are you annoyed? Granted, there are partners that are really annoying and they can get on your nerves. You just want to get far away from them, and maybe you should.
However, this article is for those that get annoyed because certain needs aren’t met. What that means is they may be feeling any one of these emotions: frustration, insecurity, hopelessness, and physical discomfort. If you are in any of these emotional states then anyone can be your annoying victim. Let’s find out the source, and how this can be resolved.
You are the source of your problems, and you are the source of your solutions. As in all my articles I always put the responsibility or emphasis on you, but not to be confused with blame. You’re not to blame; however, you do have a choice to change your current situation. Your responsibility is to yourself, and to control how you feel. Control how you feel means: having a choice in which feelings you want to feel.
To be clear so there’s no confusing, the other person (your partner) is also the source, the source of their own issues. They are responsible for themselves, and they have (as you do) an obligation to the relationship. Within a relationship you are co-partners, therefore responsible for resolving any issues, and communicating as quickly as possible so to maintain the relationship.
Basically you and your partner have separate responsibilities to yourselves first, and a combined responsibility to the relationship. As Jim Rohn so eloquently said: “I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me” Be a better person first, and your partner/relationship will benefit.
Are you happy?
When you’re frustrated with (yourself) life, do people and things seem to annoy you more often?
In a particular case where a partner is annoying, their annoyance comes from not getting their needs met. Are you responsible for getting their needs met? No! They are solely responsible. Are they responsible for you getting your needs met? No, of course not. No, because you and your partner are two separate entities within the relationship. You’re responsible for yourselves first, and together you’re both responsible for the relationship.
In most situations where there is conflict, someone is always to blame. Usually couples blame each other. So who’s at fault then? The question should be: who will take responsibility in making a change? The change will be dependent upon how much each person takes responsibility for themselves. Blaming takes the responsibility away from you, you then expect the other person to resolve the issues for you.
Choices and Making a Change
So let’s say your partner has become annoying to you to the point where you don’t want to be with them anymore. You feel you have a choice to either stay with them and work it out, or leave them. Having a choice doesn’t mean you can, or should make harsh decisions, as in contemplating a divorce, separation, or a breakup. I’m an avid believer in communication. However, there are those that think they need a break, and their decision to separate may be beneficial to all involved. Personally I think it would be wiser to communicate with your partner first and come to some resolution. I understand there are those partners that can be very obstinate and refuse to communicate and cooperate. In this situation maybe seeking professional help from a mediator may be a solution to a difficult and what seems like a futile situation.
From my personal experience I know in the past I was totally unaware of how to deal with conflicts within a relationship, sound familiar? I had always thought and believed it was the other persons fault. If I knew then what I know now, maybe things would have gone differently. Meaning, I could have taken control with my new understanding of myself. As long as you learn, and gain insight from your situations, then you will grow.
Changing doesn’t mean compromising oneself. Change is to make a difference where discomfort is minimized and a solution for both involved is achieved.
Separating – Taking a break
I’ve seen situations where couples separate and move out of the house. Sometimes it seems easier on everyone when that happens. If you are irritated or moody most of the time, I can see how leaving the situation seems beneficial for all. Nobody wants to be near a crazy person. However, “wherever you go, there you are,” as the saying goes. That means you have taken yourself out of the equation to find the answer. Some people think if they go away, the problem will go away too. Yes, and if you have a problem in communicating, then the problem will go away with you. It will follow you wherever you go.
Things may seem better at first because you are not facing or confronting the issue. Your mind starts to get clear (which is good) thinking that pulling away may be the solution. While some people are enjoying their new life so much, they end up never going back. I can understand this course of action if you are involved in an abusive relationship.
However, if you decide to return to your partner, what are you expecting to have changed? I mean have you changed? Are you coming back to the same situation with the same beliefs? What are you expecting? What was your reason and intention for the separation? Maybe to clear your mind, to change your thinking, to work on yourself, and not to expect the other person to make things better for you? You can’t change the other person, they have to change on their own. If they don’t have any intention to make themselves and the relationship better, then you’ll have to make a choice what to do.
There is a chance that if you become a better person, your partner may like that new energy about you. If they can keep up with your growth, they will stick around and you will both grow together. However, if you grow and your partner stays the same, there will be a shift in the relationship. Sometimes someone needs to lead, but not control. Both parties need to be willing, and that’s a choice both of you will have to make.
Pleasing Our Partners
I should call it “pleasing our parents” because that’s where most of this comes from, and that’s where it starts. Sure, it comes from our culture and our environment. However, if our parents knew what I’m teaching you here, you’re relationships would be less complicated. Pleasing parents and other people is a legacy past down from generation to generation.
How about pleasing your boss or teacher? Remember that? Pleasing your friends so they will like you better? How about parents pleasing kids so they would keep quiet? What kind of an example is that? Are you the type of person that doesn’t want people to dislike you? I’m not blaming the parents directly, I’m a parent too.
Here’s another one: have you been conditioned to put people on a pedestal? In the animal world there is a term called “pecking order” If an animal is bigger, or stronger, or meaner, or more aggressive, they have established leadership. We are not animals, however in our world if a person has money, they appear to be smarter, they’re more attractive, or they’re a doctor or a lawyer, are they better than you? You better answer no!
Putting people on a pedestal or pleasing them because of their status, makes them seem better, and you less than they are. Our system is faulty of course, you can see the results. And it reflects on how we deal with problems with pleasing in our relationships.
I see it all the time, couples pleasing their partners because they feel guilty, empathy, and/or wanting attention. Yes, it’s great to see a smile on your partners face when you do something wonderful for them, but what are your reasons for doing it? If you don’t have a reason then it comes from the heart. If the reasons are from the list above, then disappointment is inevitable.
How I See People
What I have learned to do is to see people on an energy level. I’m not perfect at it, but by seeing people as energy, it has helped me a great deal to see people without judgment. When you see people as energy, you don’t see them as having a different skin color, or religion, profession, intelligence, etc. In other words we are all equal.
Our souls being equal, but our lives are different, our thinking is different, we see things differently, we express our emotions differently, but our souls are equal. Every one of us has a purpose; even the most hideous person has a hidden purpose, a purpose not always seen in a positive light.
Here’s a good example, when I see my Ex-wife I don’t see her as how successful or unsuccessful she is. I see and feel our energy being different. Meaning, we are not compatible for a love relationship any longer. When we first met, we liked each other’s energy; we felt good being close to each other. We each wanted more of each other’s energy. That’s what people offer each other in relationships-energy! The energy for us has shifted. I have changed, and she has changed. What was once before is different now. It’s not defined as good or bad. It’s a shift in energy-we shifted our thinking.
Try seeing people as energy, and you’ll understand them better. You’ll see that we all want the same thing e.g. love, respect, and recognition. However, don’t expect your partner or anyone else to act and feel as you do. Don’t expect them to understand and grow at the same speed as you, and don’t expect them to make you happy. The question is: what do you expect from yourself?
You’ve heard the saying, “just be yourself?” but who are you really? Is the real you so buried under a rubble of twisted conditioning that you’re afraid to express who you really are. Much worse, are you so unaware of who you really are that you’ve lost any contact with the real you. I don’t think so, not you, because you’re here looking for answers. A person so far gone would not even attempt to seek answers like you’re doing here.
Do you expect too much from yourself and others, and are you never satisfied? If you do, then your partner will never be good enough for you.
It may seem like a long road ahead, and it doesn’t have to be, start from understanding yourself first. You have to make yourself the most important subject, assignment, and topic of your life. You have to study you, and find out why you act the way you do, and then you will know why people act the way they do.