The definition of an ultimate relation is: You are both totally honest with each other, you communicate always, you never fight or argue, you never get annoyed or irritated, you’re always polite and conscientious, and you always say and do the right things. If you believe this, you need serious help!
I know of a woman that teaches about relationships in the town I live in. She met a man in one of her classes and they fell in love. They soon vacationed on a remote island and he proposed to her. This all happened in the course of two months.
As a part of her advertising for her relationship group, she mentions, and this is a quote: “We never fight and we never argue” Now this can be taken out of context when you see it written this way. However, she makes a point that they each found their soul mates and it’s a perfect match. The soul mate part may be true, but the part where they never fight and argue in my opinion is misleading to her students.
To me they are still in what is called “The honeymoon stage.” They are still making an impression and they’re still on their best behavior. Give it time, and sooner or later they will disagree or argue about something. It is human nature, and we can’t expect to be in a good mood all the time. Eventually we will have a bad day, your patience may be short, and chances are your partner will be an outlet for your frustration. If you’re both having a bad day, then things could get worse.
Fighting and Arguing
Is fighting and arguing unacceptable in healthy relationships? Now, there are different degrees of fighting, arguing, communicating, compliments, insults, etc. in relationships. Also, definitions of certain words can mean one thing to you, and take on a different meaning to someone else. For example: arguing could be considered fighting. Two people arguing or disagreeing in public could be considered fighting. I used to think fighting meant two people punching and kicking each other.
The point is, I would think it would be impossible to be in any type of relationship without some degree or form of disagreement. Would you agree? I would say arguing and disagreeing to a minimal degree is perfectly normal, and maybe considered healthy within a relationship. Healthy because it will give both the opportunity to resolve or prevent conflicts in all areas of your life.
The degree in which you argue or disagree, and in how well you communicate, is one factor, and is a determinant in a healthy or unhealthy relationship. In a healthy relationship the degree would be minimal, and the disagreement is resolved quickly through communication.
We have a couple factors here, the degree or intensity being one, and the amount of time it takes to resolve the conflict is another. A bad combination would be when egos are involved to a high degree and both people are obstinate. Obstinate to the point of never agreeing on anything. A good combination would be when couples both agree on an answer or solution soon after a disagreement. That to me would be considered a big constituent in having an ultimate relationship.
Good communication skills along with the willingness to resolve any uncomfortable issues are healthy ingredients for a relationship. You don’t have to agree with your partner in everything; however, you can still come to peaceful resolution regardless.
Definition of an Ultimate Relationship
The ultimate relationship would be your personal definition of one. We all have our preferences and beliefs of what we consider the ultimate relationship. In new relationships when there’s a first sign of trouble, people get worried and tend to lose confidence. When we expect a relationship to go a certain way in order to consider it a “healthy relationship,” we get confused when it doesn’t happen. Expecting someone to act a certain way within a relationship is like jumping off a cliff, you will be disappointed with the consequences. That’s why I think the women chanting “they never argue” is doing a disservice to her students. How can they live up to that?
I personally know of a couple where the wife enjoys socializing and the husband is more of an introvert. She goes dancing several times a week and he stays at home working on his computer. She is in good physical shape, and he is not. However, they get along great, respect each other, and they seem content. They go to dinner once or twice a week and spend quality time together once a month at their cabin. They seem very happy, loyal, and have been married for thirty five years.
On the other hand I know another couple where I would consider them in a dysfunctional relationship. He drinks and he is loud and belligerent, his wife is submissive and has very low self-esteem. They have been married for over fifty years. However, upon meeting them for the first time they seem like a happy couple.
How long you’ve been married holds little merit and is insignificant. The quality of time you spend with each other, and the respect you have for each other is admirable and worth mentioning. Quality and happiness wins over duration of time. When someone tells me that their parents have been married for over 50 years that means little to me. I always ask: are they happy as a couple?
The first couple I talked about is obviously happy, while the second couple is happily being miserable (I’m being facetious). You may think you would be unhappy in the first relationship, and maybe you would be. It works for them because that’s what makes them happy and content. That is their ultimate relationship. Your idea of an ultimate relationship may be totally different.
The right combination of people will decide what a healthy relationship is for them. People stay together for different reasons; some because they are happy, while others because they feel they don’t have a choice.
What do all Relationships have in Common?
Relationships with friends, family, coworkers, children, lovers, and the one with yourself, all have basic rules or guidelines. Respect and communication should be on top of the list. Respect meaning: treat them as you would want to be treated. Communication meaning: if you’re feeling uncomfortable about something, talk about it, and if you feel appreciation for the other person, mention it.
An entire book can be written on these two basic principles. Let’s start with “Respect”. When I said “Treat them as you would want to be treated” what did that mean to you? The question is: how do you treat or respect yourself? Do you look in the mirror and criticize yourself? Do you think you’re overweight, too tall, too short, not attractive enough, and not smart enough? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you past the test….. you’re human!!
We all criticize ourselves one way or another. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little criticism. I did say “little” didn’t I? The degree in which you criticize yourself and the amount of time you spend doing it, is the key element here. Time and degree, how much time do you spent being critical on yourself, and to what degree? How much is too much before it becomes a problem? An example would be, when you despise and criticize 90 percent of the people you know and see, you have a problem. Solution: when you can get it down to under 50 percent or less, you will then notice a change in your relationships with everyone. This all reflects on how you treat other people.
I hate myself, but I love my Partner
Yes there are relationships where someone criticizes themselves constantly, but loves and respects their partner. How can this be?
In our minds we all want everything to be better. We want the planet to be better, we want our kids to have a better life than we had, and we want to save everything and everyone. Some people, millions, feel hopeless within themselves. However, they feel (not think) by helping someone they will feel better. We all want to feel good, what better feeling than to have someone tell you you’ve made a difference in their life.
Some people want to give because it makes them feel better about themselves. This may sound selfish, but in reality we all do things so we can feel better about ourselves. It’s is essential to our survival. When we feel good about ourselves, even in a small way, we feel hope.
People that criticize themselves, but yet respect their partners, are getting positive feedback from their partner. This full circle makes them feel better. So actually they are helping themselves to feel better by making someone else’s life better. It sounds odd, and it’s not the preferred road to a healthy relationship, but it does work sometimes.
It’s not about thinking “what’s in it for me?” Although that’s what it is, this is not a thinking process; this is a doing process that you are probably unaware of. We can’t give without receiving, and we can’t receive without giving, it is a natural law.
It is much better to feel good about yourself first; this “feeling good” is something you can give someone you love. This may be the ultimate way to have a happy and healthy relationship. This is something you can work towards. What are you going to do, or say to yourself today?
It may seem that life has become so intricate and complicated. We have pulled away from the basic understanding of human nature, which on a core level hasn’t changed at all. Everything outside of us has change drastically, and because we see life (on the outside) has changed, we think we have changed. However, we all still want the same thing we wanted for thousands of years. We all want to be happy, fulfilled, and respected. Don’t ever stop wanting that, and in a sense we can’t stop, it is part of our nature and survival. Remember, there are always easier ways of doing things.
The ultimate relationship starts with you. You may not know it yet, but you will.