Traditional abusiveness falls into two categories: physical abuse, and verbal abuse. Actually abuse of any kind is still abuse. So let’s see how the dictionary defines abusiveness:
1. Using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language: an abusive author; abusive remarks.
2. Treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically: his abusive handling of the horse.
3. Wrongly used; corrupt: an abusive exercise of power.
All this sounds harsh right? We fall into a habit of abuse where we are unconscious of what we are doing. The idea here is to become aware and conscious of our actions. We’re not trying to be perfect; we all use abuse in one form or another. There are different levels of abuse and what we want to accomplish is to simply start minimizing the abuse, and improve incrementally.
Don’t feel guilty for what I am about to reveal. If we all knew better, we would do better. Being intentionally abusive is cruel, being unaware of our abusiveness, is ignorance. I believe on some level we do know when we are being unkind. Our feelings are an indication of what we do or say. How do you feel when you speak to someone? Do you feel comfortable, or do you feel uncomfortable? Read my article on COMUNICATION, this may help you understand your feelings better.
First, let’s find out what the source is to why people are abusive.
1. We inherit behaviors from our parents.
2. We learn behaviors from our environment.
That’s really it, it’s a learned behavior. When we repeat something over and over again it becomes a habit. Eventually we don’t have to think about it, it becomes automatic. This process applies to good habits and bad habits alike. It’s your choice to distinguish between what’s good and what is a bad habit.
There are different levels of abuse; some of them go unnoticed because we think it is a normal and harmless reaction. There are basically two types of abuses:
1. Obscure abuse.
2. Obvious abuse
Obscure abuse- is undetected and poisoning to the soul in a gradual and unrealized process.
Obvious abuse- is a deliberate, evident and indisputable act of unkindness.
An example of an obscure abuse is:
1. I think that dress is too small for you; maybe you should go on a diet.
2. Why don’t you want to watch football with me, don’t you love me anymore?
An example of an obvious abuse is:
1. You’re fat and ugly; nobody’s ever going to want you!
2. I don’t care if you watch football with me; you’re a stupid loser anyway.
Sorry but it would be difficult for me to give examples of physical abuse, but you get the gist of it.
The examples shown here of obscure abuse are a form of mild degrading and control. This can have a long term adverse effect on the person that is being victimized. The process is subtle, but nonetheless damaging. The examples of obvious abuse are obvious, and without any explanation.
The victim can detect this abuse early by paying attention to how they feel. A good feeling is satisfying while an uncomfortable feeling is not. If you feel uneasy about something, then it’s an obvious sign that you are in the wrong place-physically or mentally.
Obscure abuse can be manageable and most of the time dealt with in a peaceful manner. It would be a matter of becoming aware of what you are doing by getting feedback from your partner. When he or she is feeling uneasy, they would be responsible for communicating that feeling to the other person. You work in a combined effort.
Obvious abuse on the other hand is more complexed, and can be a challenge to overcome. You may need professional help for this one. At this level the abuse habit is so ingrained and embedded in the subconscious that it will take an enormous amount of work and time to master. The victim on the other hand is in victim mode, and their self esteem is almost non existent. Much work needs to be done for both people involved. I don’t think it is likely that they can work it out together. It’s possible with the right therapist, however, be prepared for challenging times ahead.
Thanks again for spending time reading my article. Please leave your comments, it would be much appreciated.