If you’ve been in the dating scene for awhile, you know how difficult it can be to find the right person. It can be very unsettling to discover later he has rules or values that don’t correspond with your beliefs. You’re probably wishing you knew this earlier before you got too involved. I have a simple method that can help you find out what you need to know beforehand.
Dating can be very challenging sometimes, especially if it seems like you’re not getting anywhere. Getting to the first date can be a challenge in itself. I’m going to fast forward and assume you got to the first date stage. So here we go.
Have you ever heard someone say, “Just be yourself”? When you have reached the first date stage that’s exactly what you want to . What that means is you don’t want to be someone you’re not, because sooner or later they will find out the real you. So let them see the real you now, they should accept you for who you are. It’s ok to impress, but don’t over-impress. The first date is to see if there is any chemistry present. At the end of the date if you both had a good time, then he will mention, “Let’s do this again” or something like that. If nothing is mentioned, I guess it’s obvious.
At this stage, the attraction may be a bit stronger, but still you’re not sure of where this is going. You’re still finding out about each other and yet there is a possibility of something brewing. You’re still very excited, and the not knowing is adding to the adventure. You’re accepting the person for who they are, and without judgment. You’re getting closer to finding out and feeling how much you’re attracted to them. There are a lot of unknowns still present. However, you should know at this point if the relationship is going further. Hopefully the awkwardness is fading, and you are becoming more comfortable with each other.
If you made it this far, then you’re starting to think maybe this is leading to a potential relationship. This is where you can start to get a little personal. You have built some trust, and now it’s time for what I call a “Disclosure talk”. A disclosure talk is about finding out your differences and similarities. Before you get too involved, this talk will give you an idea what you’re up against. For example: you may have different religious viewpoints. Your religion may call for refraining from sex until you’re married, or maybe he’s a strict vegan, and you love to eat meat. Are these deal-breakers? You will have to decide.
Before you go on any date that you feel may be a potential relationship, write a list containing two categories, list the things that you would be willing to compromise for the other person, and list the things you are not willing to compromise. The two categories are: “Compromise and Non-Compromise” Please read my article on compromising first to understand the true meaning of what compromising is.
Ninety percent of the time religious faith would go in the Non-Compromising category. Don’t expect to change her. If you are a meat eater, and she is a vegan, again this would go in the NC category. The Compromising category would consist of things you are willing to give up or change for the other person. The Non-Compromising list would be the things you are not willing to change. Remember this list is about you, and what you’re willing to change to be in a relationship. Don’t list all the things you don’t want him to do, or how you want him to be.
Here’s an example of what you should not list: I want him to like my kids, and I expect him to be a good father. If you still don’t understand what to list, please message me so I can elaborate further on this list writing.
Example of a list
1. Going out with friends on Friday night
2. Going to the casinos once a month.
3. Watching football on Sundays.
1. My religion
2. Sex only after marriage
3. Spending time with my kids.
4. Going to sleep at 9 pm sharp on weekdays.
A new person in your life can disrupt your normal way of living, or they could improve it. This depends on how much you want this person in your life, and if you are willing to change. Some people that have been single for a long time are not willing to change, and consequently, have become too comfortable in their single lifestyle. You have to be willing to give a little in order to make it work. Some of the small things will work themselves out on their own through time.
Don’t be so strict. Only mention things in your Non-Compromising category that you will absolutely not want to change. You don’t have to do the disclosure talk on the third date. I wouldn’t do it any sooner though. However, you can wait until you feel comfortable doing so. Maybe the 4th or 5th date would be appropriate. But don’t wait too long because you might get attached, and then you will either compromise yourself (willing to give in when you shouldn’t) or you will get hurt if you have to break it off.
Thanks for reading, if you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them.